finally cracked...

January 6, 2007

Can't sleep. So what better way to spend the first few moments of a brand new day getting out of bed, switching on the computer and writing a diary entry.

Without a word of exaggeration this has been the most horrendous two weeks of my life. Never in my 28 years have I been so physically drained, mentally exhausted, frustrated, pissed off and made to feel so completely worthless, useless and unappreciated. For the first time in over six years I don't look forward to going to work. I dread putting on the uniform knowing that an hour later I'll be in the shit again. I came but millimeters away from tossing in the towel last week: while I currently despise everything about the place I wasn't prepared to let my beloved team mates down.

I return home rooted. Now I don't mean tired in the traditional sense but rather something much greater...in fact I can't even describe it because I've never even come close to feeling this way before. I lie awake at night thinking of the day that has passed and what crap needs doing tomorrow. I'm sleeping a few hours every night and am currently on the greatest diet known to Man: losing almost six kilos in two weeks. Towards the end of '06 I went two days without eating...the idea of food made me sick.

I feel terrible knowing that my mood may be contagious. I always try to rock up to work in a happy mood hoping to make even one person smile but now I fear people are actually noticing. Two people commented yesterday that I looked sad, that in itself made me upset. When I went through Coles and the Check-Out-Chick asked her monotonous "hi, how are you?", I gruffed "yeah, okay", instead of my usual "fantastic, how are you?". I realised my response after paying and immediately felt terrible - even with Check-Out-Chicks I try to sound cheerful because I figure their day has consisted of nothing but scanning barcodes.

My last week off (from both Uni and work) was February 2006. I don't even know why I'm doing all these extra hours at work other than to help out at a difficult time. I don't particularly need all the extra money, and I certainly don't want the stresses that come with it.

The highlight of my week (again without exaggeration) was when one of my dearest work buddies noticed I was down yesterday and went and bought me my favourite caramel bar from Darrell Lea. After a week of really feeling like shit it took a caramel bar to make me smile again. After feeling like nobody actually cared the simple gesture of a caramel bar was the greatest, most wonderful thing ever. And late last night I received a SMS from another much loved work buddy thanking me for my recent support. Receiving that message made me quite emotional as I realised that even though I feel completely useless and worthless there are still some people that genuinely care.




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