years of worry gone in an instant...
August 19, 2009
Poor Monty has been in the wars this past fortnight. May have mentioned his trip to the vet in my previous post but this week he injured his knee. This was his third trip to the vet, this time an X-ray taken of his left hip (where he's had a previous operation) and his knee. Little bugger some how managed to dislocate it! Was popped back in. Now, like most doggies, Monty only knows two speeds: fast and faster. Trying to stop a two year old pup from running is like trying to stop me from buying chocolate when I need a fix...it isn't going to happen. Obviously still a bit tender he yelped again with pain so now the poor bugger is either limping or hopping.
What a funny old week it has been. Decided to put myself out there again in an attempt to meet some new people. Ever since resigning from Hell$tra I've missed having regular social contact. Yes, I'm ashamed to admit I reactivated my profile on RSVP! So far contact has been pretty good but I'm still surprised how many people place so much importance on seeing photos given I'm seeking friends. Is what I look like that important? Do friends have a criteria of who and what to be seen with? In a little experiment half of those who request pictures I reject, the other half I send them a picture. You know, of all the ones who received a picture 100% never responded, yet those who sought contact without requesting a picture every single one of them wrote back.
One of the hardest aspects for reactivating my profile was trying to overcome the extreme negativity I have towards myself. For years I've been ashamed of who and what I am: thirty, still studying, and living at home. I haven't achieved anything major in my life like many others my age and thought nobody would be interested in writing to a failure. I've always been a good, decent, honest person but it never really seemed to be enough and as a result never really knew my place in the world. To my utter disbelief and surprise those who contacted and subsequently wrote back didn't seem to care about the things I was so ashamed of.
In a SMS to a friend I wrote: "All this time I've been so down on myself because I was ashamed of being me. In only one day I've learned that I didn't have to be so critical of myself because people will accept you for who you are not where you live, where you work, or what you are". I've refrained from looking for any relationship in the past because of my inability to adequately play a provider role, now it would seem I've been stressing over nothing. I feel like such a prick: all those wonderful girls I've met over the years and not chased anything more than friendships because I felt so completely inadequate. I've had a front row seat in watching life and opportunities pass me by!
Still, the whole experience can be a bit of a head-fuck. Some people write, then disappear. Naturally I assume it's something I said. It's probably the online equivalent of waiting for a phone call that never arrives.
In a world where you can decide what and how much information is released I have enjoyed seeing other peoples true colours shine. As mentioned above there are those who don’t write back and those who want to see photos before anything else...every little things helps describe a person without them knowing.
In all in it has been a good week for me, have learned some valuable lessons about myself. Don't know if I'm completely 'cured' of negativity but it's sure one hell of a step in the right direction!
Just discovered an assignment due Friday only needs to be two pages long. I've already done half a page. For some reason I had the impression it needed to be about five pages long. Finding this out is as exciting as finding money in jeans or behind the sofa!
Probably not the most positive of entries, but it feels good to have written my thoughts.
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